Frustrated Rambling (forgive me lol)

Sometimes I feel full of inner turmoil. It’s like an ongoing agitation or frustration that is similar to that of a headache. I have a habit of overanalyzing things, and in my current situation, all I have is time to think. Every once in a while, my stresses seem to be at my attention more. I’m not sure why sometimes I can handle it easier, and then some nights I am left sleepless because of it.  I guess one of the big things that bother me is the lack of control we have over our lives. You can prepare your whole life for something, and then be let down by poor timing, lack of availability, not knowing the ‘right people’, and lack of opportunity.  Growing up we were raised to get a good education, and I expected myself to graduate college. Therefore, I had somewhat of an idea of what my purpose in life would be up until about age 23: preparation (education). Preparation for a job or career which would occupy the remainder of my life. However, once my degree was obtained (with a decent GPA), I soon realized how worthless it really is. You can spend the first 22 years of your life preparing yourself for a career, and then be without luck due to other circumstances outside of your power.

And it’s not just like that with jobs. In a relationship you can do many things right, and be let down all the same in the end. You can stay faithful, treat them right, give them your all, and then they can choose to do otherwise.  It’s a sad dilemma, but it’s no reason to change the way you handle people or relationships. Even though I feel nice guys truly finish last in most cases (with relationships) you should not stray from how you act. Your personality should not change due to a fucked up pattern of societal behavior.

The main point is that life is full of so many extenuating circumstances that are far from your control. You can do everything in your power to accomplish something, and then fall short. And for what? Was it just not ‘meant’ to happen? I guess in order try to understand this you have to believe in some sort of fate. My ‘fate’ in my life is God’s plan. I feel that if something doesn’t work out for me then it must obviously be attributable to God’s plan for my life. I failed at excelling at college basketball which was detrimental to me emotionally, but maybe that was God strengthening me. I failed to maintain a relationship in college with a HS sweetheart, but through that failure I learned how to maintain healthy relationships. I had to start along with no friends or family nearby at school, but it taught me social skills and coping mechanisms. I spent the last 8 months jobless, and without purpose, and for what? Apparently I need help learning patience and maybe my job search focus needs to shift to a broader region or perhaps the entire country. It can just be overwhelming because I never know what to think. I am not sure if I am every being too timid, and relying on things to just ‘play out’ as a part of God’s plan. Maybe I am being too content with just waiting and trying to listen, rather than actually taking action and ‘doing’.  Anyways, I realize this was rambling and fragmented, but bear with me. I usually speak in more of a general sense, but this entry was different. I think writing can help you put your thoughts in order and evaluate your situation with different perspectives.